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At the end of 1991, for no other reasons but mystical private ones, I expected some kind of mystic episode for the full moon at the beginning of 1992 (oops, probably the one around Dec. 20, 1991), and strongly anticipated this but was disappointed. This was before my mood backtracking separation into new moon and full moon types of episodes, and was in fact before any pre-full-moon type of episode. But my anticipation was stronger then than ever since, yet it had no effect. I was also disappointed on two or three other occasions since, and hence don't believe that the anticipation effect can induce a mystic hypomania in me.
In May 1992, I think just before full moon, I was feeling a bit wobbly after sharing a joint (just a few puffs). Then I had the weird thought that the Sun workstation network was similar to a nested network of stars, that we were in a virtual reality within that network. I also pulled over from lyric FTP archives a whole bunch of lyrics and saw meaning in everything. (I still have a paper printout of the list of songs I looked at.)
I then wasn't too bad, just wobbly, but went down to the nude UBC Wreck Beach to relax and stupidly bought a $5 joint and smoked it all myself, supposedly to help me relax. It did not have too much effect right away, in fact that evening I arrived late to yoga class to find everyone else standing on their heads, which I couldn't do yet without help, and was only mildly screwed up, perhaps thinking my teacher was in on some joke on me.
But over the next day or two I had a panic/mixed/dysphoric/distorted/psychotic episode, during which my perceptions of reality were distorted, I was focussing on the wrong symbolic meanings of things. This was unlike the Sept91 episode in that I did not feel in control, it was scary that the universe was being distorted around me -- the voices on the radio seemed evil, as did the paper headlines. I have a few writings from that time on paper, and remember doing an odd cooking ritual, with a pasta shell dish and a figgy duff pudding representing two different stages of the universe.
Friends took me to the same hospital as before, UBC's Dettwiler Pavilion, where I came out of it after two or three days of contemplation, and got out of the hospital after a week, on 5 mg of haloperidol (yuck) in addition to the lithium.
Thoughts in hospital (and on the way there) included that humans were being controlled by their cars, that my alphabet and numbers had somehow gotten mixed up, that people were engaging in serial possession, evil souls flitting from body to body, and that I had to somehow deconvolve my environment (looking at wavy patterns in the wood panelling), and mentally transpose from frequency to time domains in order to get out of it. I also thought at one point that my body would split in half if moved, and I then held the Rodin thinker pose for several hours until I gradually came out of it. I was a bit paranoid at first of friends and family, did not recognize one friend, and felt a "cold wind from the phone" when speaking with a concerned sister. So since then I have avoided smoking marijuana.
While in hospital, after I was moved from a single to a double room, my roommate was a thelemite (Crowleyite magickian), a blond guy named Steve, a really nice guy who was in the process of writing to world governments to effect positive change. (Their main law is "Do what thou will under the law" [of love], and much of the path is based on yoga.)
While on the 5 mg/day of haloperidol, in the early summer of 1992, I'm not sure of the phase of the moon but could probably get it from doctor's records, I went into my only true suicidal state --- a pacing, agitated but cold and calculating type suicidal state, with an outward front of normalcy. I planned coolly to off myself by combining 26 oz rye with a bottle of lithium and some over the counter drugs. But then I took 1--2 oz of rye, felt better, called my doctor who said to immediately come off the haloperidol, and said that I could take 1--2 oz of rye again if necessary until I got to see him. Then the next day I felt better. But this use of alcohol to self medicate is also not one I advocate except for emergency use. After this incident my 1800 mg lithium/day was moved to 3x/day instead of 2x/day, and this gives a smoother and slightly lower level and fewer side effects. (It is now at 1500 mg, 5x/day.)
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